Well, yesterday was my orientation for the fall semester at the U. It wasn't bad, even though it ran from 8:30 to nearly 4; although I already knew most of what they were telling us, there were enough new and/or interesting bits of information to keep me from being horribly bored. I also got to meet with my other advisor, and am now registered for two classes, because the Disability Services guy thinks I should start slow to make sure I can handle the increased workload of University since I could only take three classes at a time in community college.
The campus tour was interesting: apparently they'd given the orientation people some training on how to deal with mobility devices, but failed to point out accessible routes around campus. And given that campus is more than 150 years old and build on a fault line in the foothills of an extensive mountain range, the accessible routes can be pretty hard to find. Twice my sister had to carry my walker over stairs while I used the handrail to get down. The woman taking us on the tour was very apologetic; as she said, you don't really think about where the ramps are until you actually need to use them. As I was the only person out of several hundred who was using a mobility device, I could definitely see why she wasn't prepared for it.
All in all, though, it went amazingly well. No one questioned my walker, or my sunglasses, or the fact that I was stimming through most of the presentations because the lighting was weird and I was in a big echoing room full of hundreds of people listening to microphone feedback. The e-mail said that guests were not allowed, but no one said a word about me having my sister there as advocate/mobility helper/comfort object, and she even got lunch. I think I'm going to like this college.
There were only a couple of bad parts: for one, I'm still not sure if I'll need to take a placement test for my Japanese class. It let me register without a problem, but I might take the test just in case there's a problem later, and that's stressing me out because I have no idea where it would be or how long it would take or what material it would cover. Blah. There's no reason I wouldn't be able to keep up in 3040, but my brain is notoriously bad at recognizing that I'm actually good at Japanese.
The other bad part: it's spring, which means we're alternating between freezing wind, thunderstorms, and temperatures over 90F. Friday was a 90F day, which meant that while we weren't getting rained on during the tour, it was soon so hot that I could barely move. (I don't do well above 70F, and prefer temperatures around 50F.) That, combined with the excessive amount of walking/talking to people/big echoing rooms, as well as the fact that my sleep schedule is shot to heck and I've spent this entire week hanging out with people, meant that I was pretty much useless by the time we made it home.
(And then my dad refused to make dinner and gave some BS excuse about having to make food sometimes when he's tired, so we should ignore our exhaustion and make him dinner even though he'd just been sitting at his computer all day, which meant I had nothing to eat but crackers. And then I couldn't find some paperwork I needed, and dad was stressing me out about money and telling me that I should be able to A. find a job that I can actually do for only two months or B. find a way to work from home using either skills I don't have or skills that the rest of the family also has and can't make money from. And then I had a meltdown from all the added stress on top of the earlier stuff, and my mom, who is usually very understanding, told me I was having a childish tantrum, because sobbing is totally a good way to get people to listen to me at 25, right? *sarcasm* Hopefully today will go better, but I'm really not looking forward to church tomorrow. >< )
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Convention time!
I love conventions, even though they have a tendency to burn me out. This time I'm actually taking breaks, and I've told myself that I don't have to attend everything that sounds vaguely interesting, and we actually have tickets for breakfast in the mornings instead of just scrounging for food in the Consuite all day in lieu of actual meals. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to avoid total con crash on Monday.
I've been out-of-sorts all week, culminating in an esophagogastroduodenoscopy on Thursday which I was sedated for. It was at 7:45 in the morning, so I had to stay up late for the previous two days to actually be awake then; I took a nap that afternoon, which really shows how tired I was, and then spent the rest of the day in a state of extreme dizziness from the sedation. I still went to help set up the art show that night, though I spent most of the time crawling around putting together boards to put the art on. I felt better the next day after sleep and something that resembled food, although I still didn't really manage a meal either of those days, and I've been sleeping about 5-6 hours a day.
On top of that, I've been wearing a fairly extensive cosplay, which means itchy wig, and heavy coat, and gloves, and I can't touch half of my face or I risk rubbing off the makeup, and I have to bind, and the only thing I'm doing to prevent overload is escaping to my room when I need to; it's worked so far, and I'm hoping I'll make it through without a problem, but it's probably still going to take a while before I'm ready to leave the house again after the con is over. Here's hoping I'm okay by next Friday, because I have University orientation then.
The worst thing so far: we're in a room on the 4th floor, right above some kind of turbines. I'm extremely sensitive to vibration, which means that when I was trying to sleep, all I could hear--even wearing earplugs and with a pillow over my head--was this bone-deep thrumming, and the white noise provided by the air conditioner came with its own weird thrumming noise, so falling asleep was ... interesting, to say the least.
The best thing so far (which kind of makes up for almost all of the icky stuff): I spent more than an hour today in the media room, watching the Stargate episode "Pretense" with live commentary from Alexis Cruz, who is adorable and hilarious and not even remotely stuck-up. It was a blast. We spent another while chatting with him in the art room and bought his graphic novel; he's currently working on a Stargate graphic novel, which promises to be completely awesome.
Things like this are the reason I love cons. :D
I've been out-of-sorts all week, culminating in an esophagogastroduodenoscopy on Thursday which I was sedated for. It was at 7:45 in the morning, so I had to stay up late for the previous two days to actually be awake then; I took a nap that afternoon, which really shows how tired I was, and then spent the rest of the day in a state of extreme dizziness from the sedation. I still went to help set up the art show that night, though I spent most of the time crawling around putting together boards to put the art on. I felt better the next day after sleep and something that resembled food, although I still didn't really manage a meal either of those days, and I've been sleeping about 5-6 hours a day.
On top of that, I've been wearing a fairly extensive cosplay, which means itchy wig, and heavy coat, and gloves, and I can't touch half of my face or I risk rubbing off the makeup, and I have to bind, and the only thing I'm doing to prevent overload is escaping to my room when I need to; it's worked so far, and I'm hoping I'll make it through without a problem, but it's probably still going to take a while before I'm ready to leave the house again after the con is over. Here's hoping I'm okay by next Friday, because I have University orientation then.
The worst thing so far: we're in a room on the 4th floor, right above some kind of turbines. I'm extremely sensitive to vibration, which means that when I was trying to sleep, all I could hear--even wearing earplugs and with a pillow over my head--was this bone-deep thrumming, and the white noise provided by the air conditioner came with its own weird thrumming noise, so falling asleep was ... interesting, to say the least.
The best thing so far (which kind of makes up for almost all of the icky stuff): I spent more than an hour today in the media room, watching the Stargate episode "Pretense" with live commentary from Alexis Cruz, who is adorable and hilarious and not even remotely stuck-up. It was a blast. We spent another while chatting with him in the art room and bought his graphic novel; he's currently working on a Stargate graphic novel, which promises to be completely awesome.
Things like this are the reason I love cons. :D
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Stim like nobody's watching
One day, not long ago, I was sitting inside and working on my computer in a state of some distress. Two days previously, I had attended a massively fun event--which happened to take place outdoors, on a hot and sunny day, with hundreds of people crowded into a fairly small area. I was cosplaying, which meant that I wasn't using any of my sensory aids: headphones, sunglasses, or my walker, specifically. I'd had a blast at the event, but the massive overload of sensory input at an already fairly stressful time had left me incapable of standing the next day.
After plenty to eat and two nights' sleep, my vertigo had mostly dissipated, but I was still not in top working condition. I was feeling overly sensitive to light and sound, and while my sensory aids were certainly helping, I don't feel comfortable with blocking out my family unless it's an emergency, so my system was still attempting to compensate for more input than I would have preferred.
I was attempting to communicate this to my sister, and explained that it felt like there was so much stuff going into my head that it was bulging, putting pressure on my eyeballs and eardrums and giving me a headache. And she asked a simple, mindblowing question.
"Well, then, why don't you stim?"
I post a lot of autism-related articles and blog posts on Facebook, and a few days earlier I had posted this on my wall. I felt that it made an important point that might be of interest to people who know me. And yet I somehow hadn't completely internalized the point that the post was attempting to make, but my allistic sister had. If I had too much in my head, why not release some of it?
You see, I stim a TON when I'm alone. I rock side-to-side, whip my head in circles, wave my arms in the air. Often I'm reading blog posts or articles, or especially the comments on said articles, that I find distressing, and I know that the best way to make myself feel better is to move constantly, to let out the energy that's building up in ways that are comfortable to me.
But when I'm in 'public'--which apparently includes my very supportive family--I make an unconscious effort to suppress this. I have a vivid recollection of being scolded by a strict third-grade teacher for stimming in his classroom, and I suppose I must have internalized this view of 'stimming where people can see you is bad'.
Even when said people are my loving, supportive family.
So instead of hiding my face in my hands to block out the light, I flapped one hand in front of my face. And my headache dissipated instantly.
I'm going to have to do this more often.
(Even better: she's started noticing when I stim, trying to figure out if it's a happy or distressed stim, and seeing what she can do to help if I need it. I love that girl.)
After plenty to eat and two nights' sleep, my vertigo had mostly dissipated, but I was still not in top working condition. I was feeling overly sensitive to light and sound, and while my sensory aids were certainly helping, I don't feel comfortable with blocking out my family unless it's an emergency, so my system was still attempting to compensate for more input than I would have preferred.
I was attempting to communicate this to my sister, and explained that it felt like there was so much stuff going into my head that it was bulging, putting pressure on my eyeballs and eardrums and giving me a headache. And she asked a simple, mindblowing question.
"Well, then, why don't you stim?"
I post a lot of autism-related articles and blog posts on Facebook, and a few days earlier I had posted this on my wall. I felt that it made an important point that might be of interest to people who know me. And yet I somehow hadn't completely internalized the point that the post was attempting to make, but my allistic sister had. If I had too much in my head, why not release some of it?
You see, I stim a TON when I'm alone. I rock side-to-side, whip my head in circles, wave my arms in the air. Often I'm reading blog posts or articles, or especially the comments on said articles, that I find distressing, and I know that the best way to make myself feel better is to move constantly, to let out the energy that's building up in ways that are comfortable to me.
But when I'm in 'public'--which apparently includes my very supportive family--I make an unconscious effort to suppress this. I have a vivid recollection of being scolded by a strict third-grade teacher for stimming in his classroom, and I suppose I must have internalized this view of 'stimming where people can see you is bad'.
Even when said people are my loving, supportive family.
So instead of hiding my face in my hands to block out the light, I flapped one hand in front of my face. And my headache dissipated instantly.
I'm going to have to do this more often.
(Even better: she's started noticing when I stim, trying to figure out if it's a happy or distressed stim, and seeing what she can do to help if I need it. I love that girl.)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Caffeine and Provo Mormonism
I'm a bit of an odd duck here in Utah, even though I'm LDS, because I'm not what my family refers to as a 'Utah' (or more specifically 'Provo') Mormon. Provo Mormons are, among other things, the ones who take culture as doctrine--'we do it this way because we've always done it this way, so therefore it must have been divine revelation'. (Note that not all PMs live in Provo, and not all Mormons in Provo are PMs, but the connection is there.) PMs are the minority in most places, but they're vocal, so they're who a lot of people picture when they hear something about Mormons. They're usually pretty conservative (although not all conservative Mormons are PMs, either). And they hold some views that make the rest of us cringe.
One of the weirdest things about PMs (in my opinion) is the no-caffeine thing, which is most noticeable at and around BYU; it came about (in a very convoluted way) because we have something called the Word of Wisdom, which is basically a set of guidelines that says 'Follow these rules and you'll be healthier!', which is a great idea and all, but IT'S NOT A SET OF RULES!!! You can still be a perfectly good Mormon and have a beer every now and again. Furthermore, one of the guidelines is 'eat meat sparingly', which most PMs I've met ignore completely, instead focusing on the Big Three of alcohol, tobacco, and 'hot drinks'.
We've interpreted 'hot drinks' to mean tea and coffee, which means that you can still drink things like hot chocolate and be just fine. The reasoning behind this, as far as I know, is that tea and coffee have tannins in them; seeing as tannins are used to tan leather, they're not necessarily the best things to put in your body. Which is, y'know, the whole point--this is a list saying 'eat things that are good for you, and don't eat things that are bad for you'. Pretty simple stuff.
The problem comes about because both tea and coffee contain caffeine. As far as I can tell, this has nothing to do with the reasons why we're not supposed to drink them, but PMs took this realization one step farther--if tea and coffee have caffeine, and we shouldn't drink tea and coffee, then caffeine should likewise be banned. (Correlation=causation, anyone?) And they hold to this like actual doctrine, the worst of them going as far as shaming and even threatening other Mormons who they see drinking caffeine. This is despite a statement from the General Presidency, the leaders of the entire Church, releasing a statement that caffeine is perfectly fine to drink in moderation, but you should probably stop if you're getting addicted to it, just like literally anything else you eat/drink. (Also, y'know, Love Thy Neighbor and all? Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged? A lot of PMs are hypocrites.)
Seeing as I'm currently drinking a Mountain Dew, my feelings on the subject are pretty clear. Most of my extended family on my mom's side--all raised by my grandparents, a very wonderful LDS couple--love Dr. Pepper. The exception is one aunt who accused her daughter of drinking caffeine in the same tone that she used to accuse her of being pregnant out of wedlock, despite the fact that neither accusation was true, and in fact one of them was physically impossible. (Said daughter moved into Grandpa's house with her sister when they realized they were liberals and their mom was super-conservative. The rest of us are very proud of them.)
It's an extremely silly thing to be so polarized about, but it's there, and it's only the tip of the iceberg. I'm pro-choice, and pro-gay-rights (and trans* rights, and why not plural marriage as long as everyone's a consenting adult, and why do we make such a big deal of sex, gender, and sexual attraction anyway?), and pro-background checks for gun purchases, and pro-feminism, and a bunch of other things which would probably horrify my conservative aunt if she knew about them. And I've had caffeine at BYU, and I'm attending the U even though BYU has a better language program because I would probably want to kill people after attending BYU for two weeks. (The Modesty crap alone would make me punch someone by day three, I think.)
And I'm still LDS, because I believe that the Book of Mormon is true, and that we have a living Prophet (who is still human, and can still make mistakes, because being Prophet doesn't automatically make you perfect). And I can be LDS and disagree with Provo Mormons, and I can even be LDS and disagree with some of our official policies, because the Church is run by humans and humans are flawed. We got our act together on giving Blacks the priesthood, and I believe we'll get our act together again on gender issues. It might take a while, but I have faith we'll work it out in the end.
In the meantime, I'll continue to be an odd duck in Utah. Someone has to be.
One of the weirdest things about PMs (in my opinion) is the no-caffeine thing, which is most noticeable at and around BYU; it came about (in a very convoluted way) because we have something called the Word of Wisdom, which is basically a set of guidelines that says 'Follow these rules and you'll be healthier!', which is a great idea and all, but IT'S NOT A SET OF RULES!!! You can still be a perfectly good Mormon and have a beer every now and again. Furthermore, one of the guidelines is 'eat meat sparingly', which most PMs I've met ignore completely, instead focusing on the Big Three of alcohol, tobacco, and 'hot drinks'.
We've interpreted 'hot drinks' to mean tea and coffee, which means that you can still drink things like hot chocolate and be just fine. The reasoning behind this, as far as I know, is that tea and coffee have tannins in them; seeing as tannins are used to tan leather, they're not necessarily the best things to put in your body. Which is, y'know, the whole point--this is a list saying 'eat things that are good for you, and don't eat things that are bad for you'. Pretty simple stuff.
The problem comes about because both tea and coffee contain caffeine. As far as I can tell, this has nothing to do with the reasons why we're not supposed to drink them, but PMs took this realization one step farther--if tea and coffee have caffeine, and we shouldn't drink tea and coffee, then caffeine should likewise be banned. (Correlation=causation, anyone?) And they hold to this like actual doctrine, the worst of them going as far as shaming and even threatening other Mormons who they see drinking caffeine. This is despite a statement from the General Presidency, the leaders of the entire Church, releasing a statement that caffeine is perfectly fine to drink in moderation, but you should probably stop if you're getting addicted to it, just like literally anything else you eat/drink. (Also, y'know, Love Thy Neighbor and all? Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged? A lot of PMs are hypocrites.)
Seeing as I'm currently drinking a Mountain Dew, my feelings on the subject are pretty clear. Most of my extended family on my mom's side--all raised by my grandparents, a very wonderful LDS couple--love Dr. Pepper. The exception is one aunt who accused her daughter of drinking caffeine in the same tone that she used to accuse her of being pregnant out of wedlock, despite the fact that neither accusation was true, and in fact one of them was physically impossible. (Said daughter moved into Grandpa's house with her sister when they realized they were liberals and their mom was super-conservative. The rest of us are very proud of them.)
It's an extremely silly thing to be so polarized about, but it's there, and it's only the tip of the iceberg. I'm pro-choice, and pro-gay-rights (and trans* rights, and why not plural marriage as long as everyone's a consenting adult, and why do we make such a big deal of sex, gender, and sexual attraction anyway?), and pro-background checks for gun purchases, and pro-feminism, and a bunch of other things which would probably horrify my conservative aunt if she knew about them. And I've had caffeine at BYU, and I'm attending the U even though BYU has a better language program because I would probably want to kill people after attending BYU for two weeks. (The Modesty crap alone would make me punch someone by day three, I think.)
And I'm still LDS, because I believe that the Book of Mormon is true, and that we have a living Prophet (who is still human, and can still make mistakes, because being Prophet doesn't automatically make you perfect). And I can be LDS and disagree with Provo Mormons, and I can even be LDS and disagree with some of our official policies, because the Church is run by humans and humans are flawed. We got our act together on giving Blacks the priesthood, and I believe we'll get our act together again on gender issues. It might take a while, but I have faith we'll work it out in the end.
In the meantime, I'll continue to be an odd duck in Utah. Someone has to be.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Random X-men geekery & rant
So I just freaking realized one of the reasons I love Rogue so much (besides the simple fact that she's just awesome) and have resonated with her since the very first time I saw her in an episode of X-Men: Evolution.
She's known since she was a teenager that she was different from most people, and that most people will fear her, hate her, and advocate for her destruction based on something genetic beyond her control. And yet she rebels against them and embraces her differences, and has repeatedly (including in the 90's animated series and the book 'Smoke and Mirrors') refused a 'cure', safe in the knowledge that being a mutant has given her a purpose, a community, and the chance at love that she thought she would never be capable of. Even though her mutation makes physical intimacy a near-impossibility, she can still love and be loved in return, and she knows that changing herself won't make her happier.
Sound familiar at all?
(And this was why Last Stand pissed me off SO MUCH--because it took this amazing strong character who I've loved for years and made her take the cure... so she could touch her BOYFRIEND. And even worse? I've read the novelization, which was written from the original script. She goes to the clinic. She signs up. And then she realizes what she'd be giving up, what she'd be losing, and LEAVES. WITHOUT taking the cure.
And they CHANGED that in the final script.
Drat, now I feel like I need to punch something.)
She's known since she was a teenager that she was different from most people, and that most people will fear her, hate her, and advocate for her destruction based on something genetic beyond her control. And yet she rebels against them and embraces her differences, and has repeatedly (including in the 90's animated series and the book 'Smoke and Mirrors') refused a 'cure', safe in the knowledge that being a mutant has given her a purpose, a community, and the chance at love that she thought she would never be capable of. Even though her mutation makes physical intimacy a near-impossibility, she can still love and be loved in return, and she knows that changing herself won't make her happier.
Sound familiar at all?
(And this was why Last Stand pissed me off SO MUCH--because it took this amazing strong character who I've loved for years and made her take the cure... so she could touch her BOYFRIEND. And even worse? I've read the novelization, which was written from the original script. She goes to the clinic. She signs up. And then she realizes what she'd be giving up, what she'd be losing, and LEAVES. WITHOUT taking the cure.
And they CHANGED that in the final script.
Drat, now I feel like I need to punch something.)
Saturday, May 11, 2013
This could be a problem...
So I've been accepted to the University of Utah for my Bachelor's Degrees now that I'm about to get my Associate Degree (from Salt Lake Community College, because it has quality teachers at about one-tenth the price of a 4-year university), and I've been doing a lot of research. Finding out which teachers in my programs are the most likely to be accommodating, talking to Disability Services, finding handicap-accessible routes between buildings, comparing bus and TRAX schedules, and so on. And on a whim, I decided to look up student clubs, because what better way to make friends than to join groups I might be interested in, right?
There's a Japanese club that looks pretty good, and an Aikido one I might consider, and then it occurred to me to look for disability-based clubs, because Autism is kind of one of my special interests.
What did I find?
"The purpose of Autism Speaks U of U is to further the mission of Autism Speaks by engaging the campus community and the local community through awareness, education, and fundraising and in doing so, positively affect the lives of those struggling with autism spectrum disorders and their families."
The best part? Disability Services directed me toward an Asperger's/Autism Support Group that meets on campus. It's run by the same woman who runs the Autism Speaks club. Who also appears to run the autism-centric parts of the Disability Center. (Although fortunately not the accommodations; the guy in charge of those was amazing to talk to, and suggested things I hadn't even thought of.)
I'm considering going to at least one of their meetings, just to see how bad things are. Possibly with a bunch of ASAN flyers in my walker. While wearing my Neurodiversity tee.
It's shaping up to be an interesting year.
There's a Japanese club that looks pretty good, and an Aikido one I might consider, and then it occurred to me to look for disability-based clubs, because Autism is kind of one of my special interests.
What did I find?
"The purpose of Autism Speaks U of U is to further the mission of Autism Speaks by engaging the campus community and the local community through awareness, education, and fundraising and in doing so, positively affect the lives of those struggling with autism spectrum disorders and their families."
The best part? Disability Services directed me toward an Asperger's/Autism Support Group that meets on campus. It's run by the same woman who runs the Autism Speaks club. Who also appears to run the autism-centric parts of the Disability Center. (Although fortunately not the accommodations; the guy in charge of those was amazing to talk to, and suggested things I hadn't even thought of.)
I'm considering going to at least one of their meetings, just to see how bad things are. Possibly with a bunch of ASAN flyers in my walker. While wearing my Neurodiversity tee.
It's shaping up to be an interesting year.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Church woes
Church was exhausting today, as usual.
(I say 'today' because if I actually want to sleep, my day ends no earlier than 4 am. Which is problematic at times, but what can you do?)
My mother, sister, and I team-teach a group of ten six-year-old kids. In our church, we have an hour of Sacrament Meeting, an hour of Sharing Time (which is all the kids ages 3 to 7 together, with the 8 to 11-year-olds the next hour), and an hour of class time, where we split into classes by year and separate into different classrooms.
(Our room this year happens to be just off the stage in the auditorium, which is possibly the worst room in the building: it has little-to-no ventilation, making it uncomfortably warm even in the winter; being elevated means that every sound the kids make carries like nothing else; and the kids, being curious little fiends, keep trying to pull back the folding wall that separates the room from the stage.)
Church is about the only place I'm not 'out' as Autistic. Not because I fear backlash or anything of the sort; I know of at least three other Autistics in the ward, at least two of whom can't pass as NT. It's more because I've never really found a good time, or a good way, to come out, and I'm not sure who would need to know. I certainly don't want to stand up in the chapel and make an announcement, but only telling certain individuals somehow makes it seem (to me, at least) like I'm hiding something. But not telling anyone still seems like hiding....
The worst part about this is that I am actually having problems that being out could potentially help with. For one, I have a lot of trouble with noise and light, and while I'm well known by now for wearing sunglasses indoors, I've only recently begun wearing hearing protection, and I don't know how to explain to the kids why I'm wearing headphones or earplugs, especially since I haven't done so yet and they might not react well to the change. (One little girl in particular keeps trying to steal my sunglasses, even though I've explained to her that I wear them because the light hurts my eyes; I really don't want to know what she'd do to my headphones. Eep.) For another, I have trouble recognizing people I don't know really well, so if I had to find someone's parents in an emergency I would be in serious trouble--I only know two of the kids' mothers, and I might recognize one of the fathers. Extreme social anxiety prevents me from getting to know the rest of them, and makes it harder to ask for help when I need it. (It also makes it awkward when someone I should know starts talking to me, but I'm fairly adept by now at making pleasantries and escaping.)
The worst, however, is the days I need extra support to get out of the house, like last week when I had vertigo. I usually use a walker when I'm out of the house, but there's not really room for it in the Primary room--we have a pretty large ward, so the room is crowded almost to the max already. Even worse, our classroom is up a flight of stairs. So when I have vertigo, my only option is to stay home. I generally miss about one Sunday a month. (And if more than one of the three of us stays home, we need a substitute, and all three of us are extremely phone-phobic. Not fun times.)
It's kind of hard to be Autistic and LDS. We put high importance on attending church--but I usually can't make it all three hours if I can come at all, because large echo-y room followed by two hours in close proximity with lots of children is pretty much impossible if I want to stay sane. It was a bit easier before we were called as teachers, but going to the adult classes opens up another problem: a room full of women who've known me for years, but whose names/faces are unfamiliar to me, and with whom I have nothing in common, socializing for two hours. Furthermore, my personal theology tends to differ a bit from official (or commonly recognized) Church doctrine. Which all means that I usually end up spending a lot of time hiding in the corner in the hope that no one will notice me and try to call on me. (I use the same strategy a lot of time at school, unless I'm really comfortable with my classmates.)
But it doesn't end with attending church. We do a lot of service projects, which generally require either homemaking skills (which I lack completely) or involve a lot of heavy lifting (like helping people move) or bending over (like doing yardwork) or other physical abilities I also lack. Doing temple work requires spoons and unfamiliar clothes and getting wet, and that's if I can find someone to drive me. Visiting the sick? Pretty much out of the question. And so forth.
And the worst part is that I really want to participate, but I don't really know how I, personally, can.
Don't get me wrong: I still like going to church. I love to learn new things and feel all spiritual and develop my own theories about why things are as they are, and I love it when the kids actually listen to what you're saying and remember it and learn something. And I love my little rebellions, too, things that don't really matter but make me feel better, like wearing pants instead of a skirt, and my sunglasses indoors, and only bringing materials in Japanese. (I still sing in English with the kids, since I don't want to confuse them, but Sacrament Meeting is a different story.) The people in my ward are really nice and fun to hang out with, even if I can't really talk to them, and they've always accepted my (extremely weird) family without any hesitation.
I just wish that Church wasn't so exhausting.
(But today, I was walking down the hallway during class time to get a drink, and the only (to my knowledge) Autistic kid in our Primary was lying on the floor in the nice quiet hallway, wrapped in a blanket and rolling around, with his mother/caretaker/I'm-not-quite-sure-who watching him and smiling, and I grinned and flapped at him a little, and I'm soooo glad that they mainstream him with the other kids but still let him leave the room and stim when he gets overwhelmed, because that place is NOISY. It kind of made my day to see him there.)
(I say 'today' because if I actually want to sleep, my day ends no earlier than 4 am. Which is problematic at times, but what can you do?)
My mother, sister, and I team-teach a group of ten six-year-old kids. In our church, we have an hour of Sacrament Meeting, an hour of Sharing Time (which is all the kids ages 3 to 7 together, with the 8 to 11-year-olds the next hour), and an hour of class time, where we split into classes by year and separate into different classrooms.
(Our room this year happens to be just off the stage in the auditorium, which is possibly the worst room in the building: it has little-to-no ventilation, making it uncomfortably warm even in the winter; being elevated means that every sound the kids make carries like nothing else; and the kids, being curious little fiends, keep trying to pull back the folding wall that separates the room from the stage.)
Church is about the only place I'm not 'out' as Autistic. Not because I fear backlash or anything of the sort; I know of at least three other Autistics in the ward, at least two of whom can't pass as NT. It's more because I've never really found a good time, or a good way, to come out, and I'm not sure who would need to know. I certainly don't want to stand up in the chapel and make an announcement, but only telling certain individuals somehow makes it seem (to me, at least) like I'm hiding something. But not telling anyone still seems like hiding....
The worst part about this is that I am actually having problems that being out could potentially help with. For one, I have a lot of trouble with noise and light, and while I'm well known by now for wearing sunglasses indoors, I've only recently begun wearing hearing protection, and I don't know how to explain to the kids why I'm wearing headphones or earplugs, especially since I haven't done so yet and they might not react well to the change. (One little girl in particular keeps trying to steal my sunglasses, even though I've explained to her that I wear them because the light hurts my eyes; I really don't want to know what she'd do to my headphones. Eep.) For another, I have trouble recognizing people I don't know really well, so if I had to find someone's parents in an emergency I would be in serious trouble--I only know two of the kids' mothers, and I might recognize one of the fathers. Extreme social anxiety prevents me from getting to know the rest of them, and makes it harder to ask for help when I need it. (It also makes it awkward when someone I should know starts talking to me, but I'm fairly adept by now at making pleasantries and escaping.)
The worst, however, is the days I need extra support to get out of the house, like last week when I had vertigo. I usually use a walker when I'm out of the house, but there's not really room for it in the Primary room--we have a pretty large ward, so the room is crowded almost to the max already. Even worse, our classroom is up a flight of stairs. So when I have vertigo, my only option is to stay home. I generally miss about one Sunday a month. (And if more than one of the three of us stays home, we need a substitute, and all three of us are extremely phone-phobic. Not fun times.)
It's kind of hard to be Autistic and LDS. We put high importance on attending church--but I usually can't make it all three hours if I can come at all, because large echo-y room followed by two hours in close proximity with lots of children is pretty much impossible if I want to stay sane. It was a bit easier before we were called as teachers, but going to the adult classes opens up another problem: a room full of women who've known me for years, but whose names/faces are unfamiliar to me, and with whom I have nothing in common, socializing for two hours. Furthermore, my personal theology tends to differ a bit from official (or commonly recognized) Church doctrine. Which all means that I usually end up spending a lot of time hiding in the corner in the hope that no one will notice me and try to call on me. (I use the same strategy a lot of time at school, unless I'm really comfortable with my classmates.)
But it doesn't end with attending church. We do a lot of service projects, which generally require either homemaking skills (which I lack completely) or involve a lot of heavy lifting (like helping people move) or bending over (like doing yardwork) or other physical abilities I also lack. Doing temple work requires spoons and unfamiliar clothes and getting wet, and that's if I can find someone to drive me. Visiting the sick? Pretty much out of the question. And so forth.
And the worst part is that I really want to participate, but I don't really know how I, personally, can.
Don't get me wrong: I still like going to church. I love to learn new things and feel all spiritual and develop my own theories about why things are as they are, and I love it when the kids actually listen to what you're saying and remember it and learn something. And I love my little rebellions, too, things that don't really matter but make me feel better, like wearing pants instead of a skirt, and my sunglasses indoors, and only bringing materials in Japanese. (I still sing in English with the kids, since I don't want to confuse them, but Sacrament Meeting is a different story.) The people in my ward are really nice and fun to hang out with, even if I can't really talk to them, and they've always accepted my (extremely weird) family without any hesitation.
I just wish that Church wasn't so exhausting.
(But today, I was walking down the hallway during class time to get a drink, and the only (to my knowledge) Autistic kid in our Primary was lying on the floor in the nice quiet hallway, wrapped in a blanket and rolling around, with his mother/caretaker/I'm-not-quite-sure-who watching him and smiling, and I grinned and flapped at him a little, and I'm soooo glad that they mainstream him with the other kids but still let him leave the room and stim when he gets overwhelmed, because that place is NOISY. It kind of made my day to see him there.)
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